How do you know you've reach the point of forgiveness? How do I know when I have really forgiven him? Is it when I don't think about what he did to me for a whole day? When I go a month with out a nightmare? When I am not afraid in a car? How do I know when I have moved on? When I can talk to a male with out my heart racing and having a panic attack?
How do I move on? I tried the whole physical going through the motions bit and that was a bust. So do I wait till I feel ready? The thing about my feelings is they are intense and almost always way out in left field.
I am scared. I think that Grace is an Amazing thing (that is obnoxiously cliche). I know that God offers grace for the things I did. And I think that him giving me grace will leave me with grace for A. I just hate where I am at it should be easy. Jesus forgives me. Jesus says love your neighbor. I should just love my neighbor not sit here late at night losing sleep over how to love my neighbor. Or wether he deserves any love. Or questioning God on why He forgives him for what he did. It's not right and it's not fair.
Don't get me started on the church "Christ dying for you wasn't fair, either" answer. I know this, I have told myself a hundred times. I just won't listen. In my head it's not that simple.
Let go...
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