Fears

I have fears. Horrible fears.

Andy is leaving soon. It's not like he's going on vacation either. I am having nightmares, every night. Sometimes it is the obvious, he's gone and I am all alone with Calista. Lately I am falling. It's so strange. I've had a few where I am dropping Calista, too, off the top of staircases, down mountain sides, off boats. It's never on purpose and it's never like I jump when I fall. I used to think these falling dreams were made up.

My nightmares used to be about real life events. Things that already happen. Stuff I have already lived through. They were terrifying yes but, in the end I would wake up and after a while I knew it would be okay. I had already survived that. It was just a dream.

Now, I wake up, pooring sweat and I don't know that it was just a dream. What if?

I haven't finished school. I don't have a job. How would I take care of Calista? How would I provide?

Am I tough enough for this? A year of uncertainty. A year of not knowing, of barely hearing from him.

I know I need to be.