What a year. Well not quite a year.
It has been so long since my last post. Mostly because I haven't had time to breathe. Andy is gone. Has been for eight months and ten days. Yup. I am counting. Ha!
The good news: He comes home on R&R in... very soon (we'll call this an OPSEC edit). Soo soon. I am going to be able to touch my husband! I can not wait. I have never been this excited in my life. Well maybe when Calista was born but, I was really scared then too.
Let's see it's been a crazy 8 months.
Well we drove across the country with my dad and a uhaul. I tried to buy a house. we didnt get the house. I found a house to rent. Andy and I decided him staying in the Army was the best route for us. I have realized that more time with the Army means I need to get better at waiting. Calista turned one, started walking, talking, got teeth, and learned to crawl (not at all in that order). Oh, and I got way tough.
Well that is all I can do for now. That was pretty lame but I need sleep. I will update more when my lover is home and I have smiley pictures to post.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Fears
I have fears. Horrible fears.
Andy is leaving soon. It's not like he's going on vacation either. I am having nightmares, every night. Sometimes it is the obvious, he's gone and I am all alone with Calista. Lately I am falling. It's so strange. I've had a few where I am dropping Calista, too, off the top of staircases, down mountain sides, off boats. It's never on purpose and it's never like I jump when I fall. I used to think these falling dreams were made up.
My nightmares used to be about real life events. Things that already happen. Stuff I have already lived through. They were terrifying yes but, in the end I would wake up and after a while I knew it would be okay. I had already survived that. It was just a dream.
Now, I wake up, pooring sweat and I don't know that it was just a dream. What if?
I haven't finished school. I don't have a job. How would I take care of Calista? How would I provide?
Am I tough enough for this? A year of uncertainty. A year of not knowing, of barely hearing from him.
I know I need to be.
Andy is leaving soon. It's not like he's going on vacation either. I am having nightmares, every night. Sometimes it is the obvious, he's gone and I am all alone with Calista. Lately I am falling. It's so strange. I've had a few where I am dropping Calista, too, off the top of staircases, down mountain sides, off boats. It's never on purpose and it's never like I jump when I fall. I used to think these falling dreams were made up.
My nightmares used to be about real life events. Things that already happen. Stuff I have already lived through. They were terrifying yes but, in the end I would wake up and after a while I knew it would be okay. I had already survived that. It was just a dream.
Now, I wake up, pooring sweat and I don't know that it was just a dream. What if?
I haven't finished school. I don't have a job. How would I take care of Calista? How would I provide?
Am I tough enough for this? A year of uncertainty. A year of not knowing, of barely hearing from him.
I know I need to be.
Saturday, July 05, 2008
spirals
It seems my life is spiraling out of control. That may seem overly dramatic... I do have my reasons. I love my husband and everything is good with him. I am completely excited about our baby girl. The really crappy part is I can't even talk about what is scaring the hell out of me because of beloved OSPEC. Yay.
I am so tired of not knowing what's to come.
I am so tired of not knowing what's to come.
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Thursday, October 11, 2007
New Changes
Oct. 2, 2007
One month of being married. Not exactly what I expected. I did not have much of an idea what to expect, mind you.
I love him so much.
It's hard though, I miss home, family, Chilli, friends, normalcy. This is my new normal. That is hard to grasp.
The thing that I can grab and don't want to is he could be leaving me in less than a year, going away for longer than we've been married. He doesn't see it the way I do. I want to spend every extra moment with him right now. Have a chance to know him in an out.
He has no fear of having children. Ofcourse, when I think about this I think about having to care for them alone while he's gone. Sometimes I think what if he leaves and never comes back. It's possible, scarry, but possible. Then I'd want a piece of him to be with me. That's selfish I know. Have a kid, just in case, so I don't have to be alone. Raise a kid with out a dad.
I am getting way ahead of things. That's what I do. Over think things. Think 'em into the ground.
When I started writing I was really annoyed that the love of my life has spent the last three or so hours on the other love of his life. It's not that I hate his favorite game I just secretly pray the server will crash. Oh, how nice it'd be.
I think the hardest part of the game issue is I can't be involved. With my dad, brother, and, even, other boyfriends there was ways they'd let me into their hobbies. Like sports, I am no sports-junkie. Don't expect meon any sidelines, but I learned my fairshare of sports terms- baseball, football, and, even, hockey. I learned more about politics, which are actually somewhat interesting to me. I have found ways and been shown ways into other males hobbies. But it seems there's no way into this one.
I miss female connections. I miss watching lame shows and picking apart skinny, whining reality show contestants. I miss going to the gym only to go to Candice's to sit on the couch and look at Myspace while eating cookies or cookie-dough.
I miss Biology, yes, Biology. Who woulda thought.
I miss having Nay down the street at school all week.
I miss my mom nagging me about my messy room, taking her parking spot, loud music, hair products,not helping out, dog poo, phone bills, and computer hours.
I miss conversations with two-year-olds about pee pee.
I miss my dad. Hearing the same story twice in five minutes (until were on the phone). I miss hours of baseball and Fox News.
I miss my lil' brother coming home from work, ranting about some idiot bagger dropping eggs then standing and studying them for days.
I miss home.
Oct. 10, 2007
I love my husband, don't know where he is, but love him. I am settling. I miss home but I couldn't live there with out him. He melts me. Often. He's home!!
Oct. 11, 2007
Hmmm. Andy came home with bad news last night. He has to go to Ft. Benning (Georgia) for training. He'll be gone for 15-20 days. We don't really know. I am not sure I am going to lie all the alone time. I am going to hate it as a matter of fact. I already dislike what I have.
One month of being married. Not exactly what I expected. I did not have much of an idea what to expect, mind you.
I love him so much.
It's hard though, I miss home, family, Chilli, friends, normalcy. This is my new normal. That is hard to grasp.
The thing that I can grab and don't want to is he could be leaving me in less than a year, going away for longer than we've been married. He doesn't see it the way I do. I want to spend every extra moment with him right now. Have a chance to know him in an out.
He has no fear of having children. Ofcourse, when I think about this I think about having to care for them alone while he's gone. Sometimes I think what if he leaves and never comes back. It's possible, scarry, but possible. Then I'd want a piece of him to be with me. That's selfish I know. Have a kid, just in case, so I don't have to be alone. Raise a kid with out a dad.
I am getting way ahead of things. That's what I do. Over think things. Think 'em into the ground.
When I started writing I was really annoyed that the love of my life has spent the last three or so hours on the other love of his life. It's not that I hate his favorite game I just secretly pray the server will crash. Oh, how nice it'd be.
I think the hardest part of the game issue is I can't be involved. With my dad, brother, and, even, other boyfriends there was ways they'd let me into their hobbies. Like sports, I am no sports-junkie. Don't expect meon any sidelines, but I learned my fairshare of sports terms- baseball, football, and, even, hockey. I learned more about politics, which are actually somewhat interesting to me. I have found ways and been shown ways into other males hobbies. But it seems there's no way into this one.
I miss female connections. I miss watching lame shows and picking apart skinny, whining reality show contestants. I miss going to the gym only to go to Candice's to sit on the couch and look at Myspace while eating cookies or cookie-dough.
I miss Biology, yes, Biology. Who woulda thought.
I miss having Nay down the street at school all week.
I miss my mom nagging me about my messy room, taking her parking spot, loud music, hair products,not helping out, dog poo, phone bills, and computer hours.
I miss conversations with two-year-olds about pee pee.
I miss my dad. Hearing the same story twice in five minutes (until were on the phone). I miss hours of baseball and Fox News.
I miss my lil' brother coming home from work, ranting about some idiot bagger dropping eggs then standing and studying them for days.
I miss home.
Oct. 10, 2007
I love my husband, don't know where he is, but love him. I am settling. I miss home but I couldn't live there with out him. He melts me. Often. He's home!!
Oct. 11, 2007
Hmmm. Andy came home with bad news last night. He has to go to Ft. Benning (Georgia) for training. He'll be gone for 15-20 days. We don't really know. I am not sure I am going to lie all the alone time. I am going to hate it as a matter of fact. I already dislike what I have.
Monday, June 25, 2007
Never been This scared...
It is interesting how one situation changing can change your whole life.
My aunt is leaving her husband. He has been abusing her and, now her 7 year old son has seen it. She told him she was leaving; things have escalated. Up until this week I have been very angry at my aunts daughter because she told some very personal stuff to other people (family, that didn't know) and also exaggerated a few "facts" about me. This anger flew out the window when I found out what was going on.
Life is all about small details that out weigh the larger ones.
This afternoon my family had our very first "Family Meeting." This in and of itself scared me. We all sat down and decided to invite Stephen, the 7 yr old, to come stay with us for the next 4 weeks. This is a bit more scary. Stephen is loud, sometimes he literally drives me crazy. I decided I would go get him and asked Nay if she'd come along. She did.
The whole ride there was great, a few incidences with cars riding my tail. Nothing too major. We got there collected Stephen, saw Danielle, Said "Hi," "Bye," and "I love you." We stoped by BurgerKing on the way to 99 [and home] and got a toy turtle and some food. Once on 99 we saw a bunch of sad cows and horses all stuffed in a truck. The door of the truck said, "Go cattle? We Mooove them" I pointed out to Renee that as the reason I don't eat meat. We passed all the cows and horses and kept trecking.
Then we stopped. I had to pee like I've (almost) never had to pee before. Wendy's in Merced is my normal stopping point for Fresno-to-Stockton action so, that is where we went. I made a friend at the door. He had no home and was feeding his companion (a scruffy dog) his dinner. This saddend me. I thanked Jesus for all I have and took James advice.
Short break and we were back on the road. No big deal. By now I was making up the stupidest stories you've ever heard and telling them to Renee and Stephen. Renee would pretend to laugh then, Stephen wouldalugh histerically. After my joke Stephen would tell the same joke with different characters and/or objects. It was good times. Somewhere in the middle of our good times, less than 10 minutes out of Merced someone in a blue pick-up (who apparently had no insurance) got impatient.
Blue truck man who spoke only one word or two letters of english. Tried pulling between my amazingly realiable car and a flatbed semi. His intentions (if he had any and the whole situation wasn't purely accident) were to get infront of me. He some how over estimated how much space there was, how little space there was, or maybe he just wasn't fully competent in the materials used to make his car. With his over/under-estimating and/or incompetence He proceded to drive his blue late-model pickup into my front passenger side. Since I was on the Hiway, I was going about 70mph, as was he, I am guessing. This caused my car to begin to spin. I started to fight it turning the wheel then, I remember what I learned at this safe driving thing my friend spoke at. I let go of the wheel (I actually thought of the song Jesus take the wheel). We got hit one more time on the driver's side. The car spun somemore. Things were flying. Etta James was singing about "a Sunday kind of love." I was praying for God to protect us if there was anything left on earth for any of us to do. The car stopped facing north on Southbound 99. I couldn't open my door: it was locked. Some how my window was down. I got out. Stephen's door was indented. It wouldn't open but I had just unlocked it. Cars were coming toward us and spliting An angel named Lori opened Renees door. Lori had begun to call 911 before we were hit the second time. I went to the passenger side and got stephen out that way.
We all got to the side of the road.
Mid-30s Hispaninc male and friends stepped out of Late-model light blue pickup.
Heavyset Hispanic female said, "Insurance?"
I said, "Yes."
Mid-30's said, "Okay?" or "Ok?" (you decide how much bredit you want to give him.)
I said, "I don't know."
My car was still in the middle of the two lanes facing the wrong way. We tried to push it. I don't know who "we" is aside from Renee, Angel Lori and I (I think Flatbed Semi Truck Driver might have. We couldn't push it. It stayed there. We turned around and Blue Truck was leaving.
The CHP came. It took a while. I hurt I am tired. I want to cry.
]
My aunt is leaving her husband. He has been abusing her and, now her 7 year old son has seen it. She told him she was leaving; things have escalated. Up until this week I have been very angry at my aunts daughter because she told some very personal stuff to other people (family, that didn't know) and also exaggerated a few "facts" about me. This anger flew out the window when I found out what was going on.
Life is all about small details that out weigh the larger ones.
This afternoon my family had our very first "Family Meeting." This in and of itself scared me. We all sat down and decided to invite Stephen, the 7 yr old, to come stay with us for the next 4 weeks. This is a bit more scary. Stephen is loud, sometimes he literally drives me crazy. I decided I would go get him and asked Nay if she'd come along. She did.
The whole ride there was great, a few incidences with cars riding my tail. Nothing too major. We got there collected Stephen, saw Danielle, Said "Hi," "Bye," and "I love you." We stoped by BurgerKing on the way to 99 [and home] and got a toy turtle and some food. Once on 99 we saw a bunch of sad cows and horses all stuffed in a truck. The door of the truck said, "Go cattle? We Mooove them" I pointed out to Renee that as the reason I don't eat meat. We passed all the cows and horses and kept trecking.
Then we stopped. I had to pee like I've (almost) never had to pee before. Wendy's in Merced is my normal stopping point for Fresno-to-Stockton action so, that is where we went. I made a friend at the door. He had no home and was feeding his companion (a scruffy dog) his dinner. This saddend me. I thanked Jesus for all I have and took James advice.
Short break and we were back on the road. No big deal. By now I was making up the stupidest stories you've ever heard and telling them to Renee and Stephen. Renee would pretend to laugh then, Stephen wouldalugh histerically. After my joke Stephen would tell the same joke with different characters and/or objects. It was good times. Somewhere in the middle of our good times, less than 10 minutes out of Merced someone in a blue pick-up (who apparently had no insurance) got impatient.
Blue truck man who spoke only one word or two letters of english. Tried pulling between my amazingly realiable car and a flatbed semi. His intentions (if he had any and the whole situation wasn't purely accident) were to get infront of me. He some how over estimated how much space there was, how little space there was, or maybe he just wasn't fully competent in the materials used to make his car. With his over/under-estimating and/or incompetence He proceded to drive his blue late-model pickup into my front passenger side. Since I was on the Hiway, I was going about 70mph, as was he, I am guessing. This caused my car to begin to spin. I started to fight it turning the wheel then, I remember what I learned at this safe driving thing my friend spoke at. I let go of the wheel (I actually thought of the song Jesus take the wheel). We got hit one more time on the driver's side. The car spun somemore. Things were flying. Etta James was singing about "a Sunday kind of love." I was praying for God to protect us if there was anything left on earth for any of us to do. The car stopped facing north on Southbound 99. I couldn't open my door: it was locked. Some how my window was down. I got out. Stephen's door was indented. It wouldn't open but I had just unlocked it. Cars were coming toward us and spliting An angel named Lori opened Renees door. Lori had begun to call 911 before we were hit the second time. I went to the passenger side and got stephen out that way.
We all got to the side of the road.
Mid-30s Hispaninc male and friends stepped out of Late-model light blue pickup.
Heavyset Hispanic female said, "Insurance?"
I said, "Yes."
Mid-30's said, "Okay?" or "Ok?" (you decide how much bredit you want to give him.)
I said, "I don't know."
My car was still in the middle of the two lanes facing the wrong way. We tried to push it. I don't know who "we" is aside from Renee, Angel Lori and I (I think Flatbed Semi Truck Driver might have. We couldn't push it. It stayed there. We turned around and Blue Truck was leaving.
The CHP came. It took a while. I hurt I am tired. I want to cry.
]
Sunday, June 03, 2007
May & June
May left me. I am hurt. It is June. June is hot but, May was nicer.
May brought more change, It seems change is a main component of life.
_________________________________________________________
This rant has been a long time coming.
I found out yesterday my bestfriend from grade school is engaged. This is the most recent in a number of engagement anouncements. I am sitting here thinking If they can find [mostly] somewhat decent guys that will by them a ring (in most cases) and say, "I love you, let's get married" or "I love you, let's go to Vegas." Why is its so hard to meet a DECENT, Godly, guy, who brushes his teeth, can drive, has a somewhat inspiring vocabulary, likes good music, is in love with Jesus, will stand up and be a man, can do dishes, knows how to speak three languages, will talk to my dad abut sports and politics (with out a huge agrument), can cook a turkey, knows how to paint a house, has a vast knowledge in pop culture as well as classic liturature.
I don't get it. I don't ask for much.
The only offers I get are Crazy guys who just want sex (and are very open about it), guys who are in they're late twenties and just realizing I'm a grown up now, or the ones that are covered, lterally, covered in tattoos.
I am not one of those that thinks young people shouldn't get married until the are 28-30 but, I am also not in full support of marriages that spring from desire to move out of one's parents home or to be able to have sex without guilt. It's like today there is no happy medium. Either couples get married way too young or they put it off until they're 30. Then all the fertility clinics are full of women crying because the can't conceive.
May brought more change, It seems change is a main component of life.
_________________________________________________________
This rant has been a long time coming.
I found out yesterday my bestfriend from grade school is engaged. This is the most recent in a number of engagement anouncements. I am sitting here thinking If they can find [mostly] somewhat decent guys that will by them a ring (in most cases) and say, "I love you, let's get married" or "I love you, let's go to Vegas." Why is its so hard to meet a DECENT, Godly, guy, who brushes his teeth, can drive, has a somewhat inspiring vocabulary, likes good music, is in love with Jesus, will stand up and be a man, can do dishes, knows how to speak three languages, will talk to my dad abut sports and politics (with out a huge agrument), can cook a turkey, knows how to paint a house, has a vast knowledge in pop culture as well as classic liturature.
I don't get it. I don't ask for much.
The only offers I get are Crazy guys who just want sex (and are very open about it), guys who are in they're late twenties and just realizing I'm a grown up now, or the ones that are covered, lterally, covered in tattoos.
I am not one of those that thinks young people shouldn't get married until the are 28-30 but, I am also not in full support of marriages that spring from desire to move out of one's parents home or to be able to have sex without guilt. It's like today there is no happy medium. Either couples get married way too young or they put it off until they're 30. Then all the fertility clinics are full of women crying because the can't conceive.
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